the fruitless roll of layers

disclaimer #1: however the title of this blog post may tell you otherwise, this is not a cooking recipe.
disclaimer #2: the word 'roll' in the title should be spelled 'role' but found the latter less attractive... and I rarely use puns... on to the blog post...

I wonder what I have been exposed to that has skewed my perception of reality so much? whatever is real, I don't think I can see or define because I have too many layers. these layers I like to call filters. each scar produces a filter and these filters stack up over time... the more filters, the more distorted my view of reality has become and I am unable to process what is actually happening for what it is really worth and for what it really means... something so innocent can be so horribly offensive and shake my emotions beyond what I can bear... something done with completely different intentions can suddenly ruin my day. have I really allowed this? have I let this shape me? or has it just happened right in front of my eyes without me knowing? have I bent and built my life around how the past has left me jaded?

either way, it sucks.

I wonder how much I don't even realize affects me because of this. there are certain filters that I have been able to recognize and take out when processing what is happening, but surely there are more that I have not yet found... or maybe I know they are there but have just stored them at the bottom of the pile hoping I won't notice them or remember why they are there... maybe the moments that they were created are too painful and uncomfortable to unpack... sometimes there are moments when I begin to catch a glimpse of what they might be... I get quick snapshots and distorted memories that happen just long enough to want to escape them, and just short enough to leave me with bitter feelings towards whatever it was.

the more I inquire God about this, the more I feel like he's telling me this is an issue of forgiveness. if it's bitterness that I feel then there are people I need to forgive. I don't think there can be true healing until there is true forgiveness... I can always say that I forgive someone, but maybe that compared to what is in my heart is completely different. maybe I HAVEN'T truly forgiven like God forgives. if certain things are still affecting me and it's because of pain from the past, have I really let it go? have I really completely severed it from my mind? is that really possible? when something leaves you fractured, how can you really ever be seperated from that?

I'm hoping only by God's grace...