Thursday, January 06, 2011
So, you want to be the next Michigan football coach?
Perhaps there's a lesson to others in Michigan's woes: If it can happen there, it can happen anywhere.
You want to be the coach to restore honor? Fine. But there's a long list of stringent requirements and preferences, so you might want to make sure you're qualified to be a Michigan man.
1. The only color you hate worse than scarlet is gray.
2. You promise to ask yourself at least once each day: What would Bo do?
3. You must be able to correctly spell Bennie Oosterbaan.
4. You believe whoever dots the "i" in Script Ohio should go on the TSA terrorist watch list.
5. You know all the words to "Victors" and can satisfactorily explain why the last line of a song about winning the Big Ten goes, "the champions of the West." You also won't mind when the band plays it 68 times on any given Saturday.
6. If you consider Legends and Leaders to be goofy titles for the new Big Ten divisions, you'll keep it to yourself.
7. You consider the three most pressing problems facing the nation to be the economy, the war and the seven-game losing streak to Ohio State. You're just not sure of the order.
8. It doesn't matter where you coached last, so long as you two don't end up in court.
9. You have never bought any memorabilia from Terrelle Pryor.
10. You agree that the only place Michigan is supposed to give up 52 points in a game in January is at the basketball arena.
11. You voted for former Wolverine Gerald Ford for president.
12. You wouldn't be caught dead coaching in a vest.
13. If you commit any violations, they will be for overtime parking.
14. You know at least three good Michigan State jokes.
15. You are willing to agree to the following contract clause: You can be terminated for moral turpitude, felony conviction or if Michigan ever loses to Toledo again.
16. You can't understand why the 100-24 combined score of the past three losses to Ohio State has not been declared a disaster area by the governor.
17. You have always been under the impression that the Seven Wonders of the World included the Big House.
18. You won't mind that half your fan base wishes you were Jim Harbaugh.
19. Your game plan will not be based on the premise that if your offense scores 40, you might have a chance to win.
20.. When you were a kid, you thought your dream date was either Raquel Welch or Ann Arbor.
21. You can explain in terms easily understood by the layman why the devil reincarnate is among us and goes by the alias Jim Tressel.
22. You think Olentangy is a silly name for a river.
23. When you need a good stiff drink at home, you pour it into a Little Brown Jug.
24. All you want is a program your helmets can be proud of.
25. You will fill your staff only with coaches old enough to remember the last time Michigan beat Ohio State.
*(courtesy of USA Today)